Humorous quotes
Read these humorous quotes and sayings and have a laugh to brighten up your day.
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“I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person” |
-Bill Murray |
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“I think everyone should to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated. “ |
-Al McGuire |
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“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. “ |
-Norm Crosby |
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“Make no mistake about why these babies are here- They are here to replace us.” | -Jerry Seinfield |
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“Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June.” | -Al Bernstein |
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“Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break, | – Earl Wilson |
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“Spring is nature’s way of saying, Let’s party!” | – Robin Williams |
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“The older you get the stronger the wind gets – and it’s always in your face.” | -Pablo Picasso |
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“A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous” | -Ingrid Bergman |
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“If I had my way, I’d remove January from the calendar altogether and have an extra July instead.” | -Roald Dahl |
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“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” | -Dave Barry |
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“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.” | -Garfield/Jim Davis |
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“Paper cut: A tree’s final moment of revenge.” | – Anonymous |
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“Nobody ever drowned in his own sweat” | – Ann Landers |
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“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” | -Patricia Briggs |
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“The United Sates is the only country with a known birthday.” | -James G. Blaine |
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“If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance.” | -Bern Williams |
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“There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.” | -Jerry Seinfeld |
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“I owe the government $3,400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.” | -Michael McShane |
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“March is a tomboy with tousled hair, a mischievous smile, mud on her shoes and a laugh in her voice.” | -Hal Borland |
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“My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan!” | – Leopold Fechtner |
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“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.” | – Carl Reiner |
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“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” | – Steven Wright |
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“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” | – Erma Bombeck |
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“So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like: “What is this? What did you say?” “What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy?” “Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?” | – Jerry Seinfeld |
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“Don’t you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.” |
-Nora Ephron |
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“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.” | -Bette Reese |
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“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.” | -James Dent |
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“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” | -Rodney Dangerfield |
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“The difference between a political campaign speech and an appearance is twenty minutes.” | – Adlai Stevens |
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“Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.” | – H.L. Mencken |
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“How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?” | – Charles De Gaulle |
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“It is a tolerable depiction of a bore that he is one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself.” | – Robert Hugh Benson |
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“If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles.” | – Benjamin Franklin |
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“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm” | – Colette |
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“The graveyards are full of women whose houses were so spotless you could eat off the floor.” | – Heloise Cruise |
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“I rise from bed the first thing in the morning not because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me during the day.” | – Edgar Wilson Nye |
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“There is one thing about baldness – it’s neat.” | – Don Herold |
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“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” | – Franklin P. Jones |
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“It is hard to imagine a civilization without onions.” | – Julia Child |
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“Why can’t life’s problems hit us when we’re 17 and know everything?” | – A.C. Jolly |
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“I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” |
– Jean Kerr |